


Shitty Vampires

by adrianicsea



Series: Shitty Vampires [1]
Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Alternate Universe - Urban Fantasy, Gen, M/M, dee and dennis are human-vampire hybrids, idk if this can even be considered macdennis yet but It Could Happen if this au is continued, vampire!mac, werewolf!charlie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-07
Updated: 2016-09-07
Packaged: 2018-08-13 13:17:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7978060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adrianicsea/pseuds/adrianicsea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Urban fantasy AU. Charlie thinks Mac is the worst vampire in all of Philadelphia. Dennis has something to say about that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shitty Vampires

“Mac, you’re a shitty vampire.”

Mac frowns and even manages to look hurt, despite the fact that he’s literally wearing a “Sun’s out, guns out” tank top.

“Fuck you, Charlie,” he replies. “You’re a shitty werewolf.”

Charlie harrumphs and crosses his arms.

“I am not! I actually go out at night and like… Eat rats and chase cats around and howl at the moon and shit!”

“Well, there’s a surprise,” Dennis drawls as he walks into the bar, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “Charlie acts like a gross dog. Who would have guessed it?”

When Charlie growls at him, Dennis just chuckles and starts wiping down the bar.

“See? Point proven.”

Rolling his eyes, Charlie turns his attention back to Mac.

“Mac, I actually do all the _cool_ shit werewolves are supposed to do, without going out and like, murdering people and devouring maidens and shit! When’s the last time you did a _single_ cool vampire thing, Mac?”

Mac scowls and immediately opens his mouth to fire back at Charlie, fangs flashing... but he must not be able to come up with anything, because he just grunts in frustration and turns away, walking towards the keg room. Charlie barks a harsh laugh at him as he retreats.

“HA! That’s what I thought! You don’t even wear old-timey clothes or sleep in a coffin all day! You’re like, the _worst_ vampire, dude.”

Dennis looks up at Charlie then, one eyebrow quirked.

“Charlie, how long have you known Mac?”

“Uhh, all my life, bro!” Charlie scoffs. Dennis nods, humming thoughtfully before he continues.

“And how long has Mac been a vampire?”

Charlie has to stop and think about that one.

“Um… Since we were like, twenty-six?”

Dennis nods again.

“I see. So that’s been, what… a decade, now?”

Charlie just nods in answer. He has no clue if that’s actually right or not, but he’s not about to make himself look stupid in front of Dennis. Dennis seems to do that easily enough without his help.

“ _Ten years_ Mac’s been a vampire, Charlie,” Dennis says, “and you still have no idea how it _actually works_. You do know they invented sunscreen powerful enough for them way back in like 2002, right?”

Grudgingly, Charlie nods again.

“Yeah?” Dennis asks. “So you do know that Mac doesn’t _need_ to sleep in a coffin all day and dress like a gay Brad Pitt?”

Charlie suddenly yells in impatience, raising his arms in his outrage.

“Yeah, Dennis, I know! It’s the _principle_ of the thing! What’s the point of even _being_ a vampire if you aren’t gonna _act_ like it?! He’s just walking around in muscle shirts in broad daylight drinking synthetic Bloody Marys all day long! I mean, hell, you may as well slap some glitter on him and call it a day!”

Dennis looks completely unfazed at Charlie’s outburst. He just grins and asks, “What’s wrong, Charlie? Is it that time of the month?”

That’s the last straw. Charlie screams and storms out of the bar, a storm of gold brewing in his eyes. Dee meets him at the door, just coming in to start her day, but he just growls and snaps at her before walking out. She frowns and mouths a “what the fuck?” at Dennis as she takes her seat at the bar.

“I dunno, Dee,” Dennis says, looking for all the world like he’s never hurt a fly. “You know how werewolves can be sometimes.”

Dee grunts noncommittally as she opens her first beer of the day. Mac returns from the keg room then, carrying a new case of beers to stock the bar. Sensing the tension in the air, he frowns and surveys the bar.

“Where’d Charlie go?” he asks. Dennis just shrugs, not looking up from his work wiping the counter.

“He just kinda growled and stormed out, you know? I didn’t think it was a good idea to get between him and the door.”

Mac’s frown deepens at that.

“C’mon, Dennis. You know the kid only hunts rats… and cats, sometimes. He’d never actually hurt a person.”

Dennis looks up then, pointing an accusatory finger at Mac.

“ _Do_ I know that? After all, _he_ doesn’t know that you don’t sleep in a coffin or stalk around at night drinking the blood of beautiful virgins.”

As he sets the case down behind the bar, Mac answers Dennis.

“Yeah, but can you blame him for thinking that? _You_ do those things, Dennis.”

Dee snickers at that and looks up to see Dennis’ reaction. He stammers suddenly, even more pale than usual.

“I—I—you _know_ that’s not the same thing!”

Mac, however, isn’t listening. He’s propped his head on his hands and is now leaning over the bar, looking suspiciously at Dennis.

“What’s with that, anyway, bro? I mean, _I’m_ the one who’s 100% vampire. You’re just a hybrid. If anything, _I_ should be the one doing all the weird shit.”

Dennis stares at him a moment longer before regaining his composure. He sniffs and turns his nose up in a show of superiority.

“Am I not allowed to reclaim my vampire culture, Mac? Just because I’m part human, I’m forever banned from celebrating half of my heritage? What would the CVE think if they could hear you now?”

“The Center for Vampire Equality?”

Mac wrinkles his nose.

“Since when do you give a shit what they have to say about anything? Just last week you were complaining that they said we shouldn’t be drinking real human blood anymore.”

Mac and Dennis engage in a brief staring contest then. As usual, Dennis wins. Mac only holds his gaze for a few seconds before he drops his eyes shyly, the barest hint of a flush rising to his face.

“Don’t you have more cases to bring up?” Dennis asks, after a moment of silence. Mac nods and heads back to the keg room, keeping his head down. Once he’s gone, Dennis makes a grandiose show of sighing and throwing down the rag he’s been using to clean the counters.

“It’s a difficult life we lead, Deandra, being trapped between worlds like this. Living, dead, vampire, human… Hopelessly stretched between two realms… One foot in the darkness, one foot in the light, but no home on either side for people like us.”

Dee rolls her eyes and scoffs as she reaches into her pocket. Producing a small packet of synthetic blood, she dumps it into her beer without ceremony.

“Whatever, Dennis. I don’t know why you can’t just be normal about it.”

**Author's Note:**

> I seem doomed to turn every piece of media that I love into a shitty urban fantasy AU at some point or another, so this was inevitable. I'm just glad that this doesn't seem to be something that's been done to death in the Sunny fandom yet.  
> I have vague backstories for how and why everyone in the Gang became what they are, as well some ideas for other stories to tell in this AU, so you all let me know if you're interested in seeing more of this!


End file.
